History That Makes You Laugh

“History is more or less bunk.”

 Henry Ford (1863-1947), American car manufacturer

Part One

Of the many sites we visit, I’m always asked about Tilly and me laughing at history. Well, scroll down and read why. Enjoy the humor and especially the history.

Olive and Tilly

1. Rabbits he’d intended to hunt attacked Napoleon Bonaparte, forcing him to retreat.

Tilly: I know he was a small man, but this is ridiculous. His Chief of Staff, Alexandre Berthier, when organizing the hunt, bought tame rabbits from local farmers instead of catching wild ones. Expecting to be fed, the rabbits rushed toward Napoleon and his hunting party instead of running away. The rabbits “attacked him in the rear,” clambered up his legs, and forced him to take refuge in his coach. Frequently referred to as the “Battle of the Bunnies,” it was highly humiliating, albeit funny, for the French leader. This YouTube video detail those chaotic scene.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Yvt33TlKJs

 

2. President Andrew Jackson had a parrot as a pet. When Jackson died, his parrot was present at the funeral, but was kicked out for swearing too much.

Tilly: A common finding with politicians, I gather …

 

3.”When the Black Death was making its way through England, bacon grease was believed to be a cure, so people began drinking it.”

Tilly: Far better than raping babies and young girls in the belief that their virginity rendered them immune and could be transferred. The same belief exists in certain countries where AIDS is prevalent.

 

4.”The only casualty of The Pig War, between Britain and the US, was a pig.”

Tilly: How dare American farmer, Lyman Cutlar, shoot a British-owned pig (owned by Hudson’s Bay Company employee Charles Griffin) just because it ate a few spuds! The 1859 Pig War was a bloodless, months-long confrontation between the U.S. and Britain over the San Juan Islands boundary. U.S. Captain George Pickett arrived with 66 soldiers to protect American settlers. British authorities responded by sending 5 warships and 2,000 men. No doubt they eventually shook hands and celebrated peace with bacon sarnies.

 

5. King Henry VIII of England hired four men who regularly checked his faeces, monitored his bowel movements and wiped his bottom. They were appropriately called ‘Grooms of the King’s Stool’ and all of them were eventually knighted.

Tilly: Some chaps have no pride at all. Puts a whole new meaning to ‘pass me that stool’.

 

6. Since 1945, all British tanks have been equipped with tea-making equipment and facilities. Naturally.

Tilly: Well, naturally.

 

7. France was once struck by a dancing plague.

It began in 1518 in the town of Strasbourg, then part of the Holy Roman Empire; one woman, Frau Troffea, started dancing uncontrollably. More people mysteriously began to do the same, and by the end of the month, hundreds of people had the “Dancing Plague.” The afflicted continued to dance, quite literally, until they dropped—often from exhaustion, stroke, or heart attack.

It’s unknown what actually caused the Dancing Plague, though theories include mass hysteria or a mass psychogenic illness.

Tilly: Doctors blamed an angry St. Vitus, or overheated blood, but Paracelsus claimed Fra Troffea’s marathon jig was a ploy to embarrass Herr Troffea: “In order to make the deception as perfect as possible, and really give the impression of illness, she hopped and sang, which was all most distasteful to her husband.” Seeing the success of the trick, other women began dancing to annoy their husbands too, powered on by “free, lewd and impertinent” thoughts. This type of dancing mania was classified by Paracelsus as Chorea lasciva (caused by voluptuous desires, “without fear or respect”), which sat alongside Chorea imaginativa (caused by the imagination, “from rage and swearing”), and Chrorea naturalis (a much milder form, caused by corporal causes) as the three main forms of the condition. Paracelsus was also a misogynist whose diagnosis looks somewhat ridiculous now. https://publicdomainreview.org/essay/the-dancing-plague-of-1518/

 

8. Tablecloths used to serve as a communal napkin.

Before everyone got to have their own individual napkins, that’s what tablecloths were for—they were essentially giant “napkins” that everyone at the table would wipe their hands and faces on.

Tilly: I have seen many who continue to employ tablecloths in this manner!

 

9. Oxford University predates the Aztec Empire.

It might sound strange, but it’s completely true. The Mesoamerican Aztec Empire originated around 1325, when its capital, Tenochtitlan, was founded. Comparatively, Oxford University was founded around 1096, and its Balliol and Merton Colleges were founded in 1249 and 1264, respectively.

Tilly: I wonder if the Aztecs knew about Balliol and Merton …

 

10. Ancient Greeks believed redheads turned into vampires.

Yes: in ancient Greece, there was a superstition that redheaded people would turn into vampires when they died. This is likely because red hair was so rare; most ancient Greeks had olive skin and dark hair. And, since redheaded people typically have pale skin (and burn easily), ancient Greeks may have drawn the connection to light-sensitive vampires!

Tilly: With plenty of Gaelic blood in my veins, a pale complexion, and a pronounced reddish hue to my locks, I have been tempted to seek blood when pushed too far …

 

11. Ancient Romans used urine as mouthwash. Now, we come to the history facts that are so insane, they’re almost unbelievable—starting with this doozy. That’s right: because the main ingredient in urine is ammonia (a cleansing agent), ancient Romans actually used stale urine as a disinfecting and tooth-whitening mouthwash. One ancient Roman version of toothpaste was even mainly comprised of human urine and goat’s milk.

Tilly: Ah, the Golden Fountain…  “urine therapy”. YouTube has over 150 videos on the subject, indicating that drinking “waters out of thine own cistern” is still, or again, in fashion. Documented prescriptions in Europe originate from ancient Egypt, Greece and Rome. Many advances of antique medicine fell aside after the fall of the Roman Empire, but the use of urine and other excrements continued in popularity in mediaeval times. Ancient Indian yogic texts and ancient Chinese documents describe the benefits of drinking one’s own urine, and it can be assumed that people in Africa, the Americas and other parts of the world have traditionally used urine for various medical indications for a very long time, too. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3032615/

 

12. Before toilet paper, Americans used corn cobs.

As unpleasant as it sounds, it’s true: in the time before toilet paper was widely available to all Americans, corn cobs were the simple and practical alternative. Some people even kept on using corn cobs for a time after toilet paper became available, just because they preferred it.

Tilly: Heaven help you if you suffered from piles! Ancient Greeks and Romans used a xylospongium (a sponge on a stick) or pessoi (ceramic/stone discs) for anal hygiene. The sponge, or tersorium, was often shared in public latrines and cleaned in water or vinegar. Moss, leaves, or the left hand were alternatives – probably why certain cultures only eat with the right hand.

 

13. During World War II, a Great Dane named Juliana was awarded the Blue Cross Medal. She extinguished an incendiary bomb by peeing on it!

Tilly: Britain awarded her two medals! The first prestigious medal for her bravery when she saved her home by urinating on a burning incendiary bomb. The second medal  for alerting her family to a fire in their shop.

14, In the Ancient Olympics, athletes performed naked! This was to achieve closeness to the gods and also help detox their skin through sweating. In fact, the word “gymnastics” comes from the Ancient Greek words “gumnasía” (“athletic training, exercise”) and “gumnós” (“naked”).

Tilly: Ooh … maybe we should start a petition for this to be de rigeur in the Olympics?

 

15. Winston Churchill typically smoked eight to ten cigars a day, sometimes as many as fifteen. During the American prohibition, he would arrive with a doctor’s note saying he needed to drink “indefinite” amounts of alcohol when he would come and visit the States.

Tilly: Well, you know, fine minds need to lubricate the synapses, especially in times of stress.

 

16. In 1644, English statesman Oliver Cromwell banned the eating of pie. He declared it a pagan form of pleasure. For 16 years, pie-eating and making went underground until the Restoration leaders lifted the ban on pie in 1660.

Tilly: I would expect no less from the curmudgeonly, self-righteous Puritan – he wanted to ban Christmas festivities as gluttonous, but settled for banning mince pies and tarts. It’s a myth that he banned all pies.

 

17. In the Dark Ages, Left-handedness was seen as evil.

Tilly: The “right hand of God” is often taken to be ‘good’, literally, while the left is associated with judgement (goats on the left, sheep on the right). Sinister- meaning left – has been corrupted to mean evil or devilish. In the Middle Ages, left-handed people were accused of witchcraft, devil worship, being baptized by the devil with the left hand.

Traditions linked the left shoulder to evil spirits, requiring salt to be thrown over it to ward them off. In some cultures (Middle East, parts of India), the left hand is considered unclean for eating or giving items. See note above.

 

18. Roman dye makers had to crush twelve thousand sea snails just to color the trim of a single garment.

Tilly: What happened to using flower petals to make dyes? Tyrian purple dye involved the extremely labor-intensive process of extracting a tiny, foul-smelling gland from each snail. The dye was more valuable than gold and a strict symbol of imperial Roman power.

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

Commonly attributed to Dr. Seuss, though widely attributed to author Robert Fulghum

End of Part One.