How to Cook a Husband
“You are the butter to my bread and the breath to my life.”
Tilly and I sincerely hope that y’all will forgive us for not posting as often. It has been a hell of a summer. Getting back on track now, settling down to work. We found this piece from an 1894 cookbook. Enjoy
Olive and Tilly
HOW TO COOK A HUSBAND.
First catch him. Many good husbands are spoiled in the
Tilly: Olive, you and I know that many husbands is begging for a good roasting.
Olive: Tilly, damn girl we have agreed again. I hope this is not going to be a habit.
Some women go about it as if their husbands were
bladders and blow them up.
Tilly: That’s open to misinterpretation.
Olive: Depends on what they blow them up with.
Others keep them too much in
hot water, while others freeze them with icy indifference and
Tilly: Surely that’s to do with climate change?
Olive: Tilly, so you are a scientist now?
Some smother them with constant contention, hatred and variance, and some keep them in hot pickle
all their lives.
Tilly: Must have been sorely tried?
Olive: Notice that she did not give us a recipe for the hot pickle?
These women always serve them up with
Tilly: Not sure what to say to that!
Olive: You and me both. Damn, we have to stop agreeing.
Now it cannot be supposed that husbands will
be tender and palatable if cooked in this way, on the contrary,
they are tart, tough and snappish actually good for nothing.
Tilly: Met a few husbands and wives like this.
Olive: Well, Tilly at least they are good for something.
If, however, cooked by the following recipe they are prime and
Tilly: To put a spin on W.C. Fields – husbands are nice but I couldn’t eat a whole one.
Olive: Tilly, it would depend on the seasonings used.
Get a large jar, called the jar of faithfulness (which
all good wives keep on hand), place your husband in it, and
set him near the fire of conjugal love, let the fire be pretty
hot, but especially let it burn clear, and above all let the heat
Tilly: So who will stoke the fire and clear out the ashes?
Olive: Obviously not you and I.
Cover him with affectionate kindness and confidence, garnished with modest and becoming familiarity and
spiced with amiable pleasantry, and if you add a few sweet
kisses and other confectionaries, let them be accompanied with
sufficient portion of secrecy mixed with prudence and moderation.
Tilly: This is a two-way exercise, yes?
Olive: Or we could just ignore that part.
And let the whole conjugal life be seasoned with love
and devotional piety.
Tilly: This sounds like a Mills & Boon romance by Barbara Cartland.
Olive: “Devotional piety” – oh, heavens no.
We would advise all good wives to try
this recipe and realize what an admirable dish a husband
makes when properly and discreetly cooked.
Tilly: Where is the instruction manual for husbands?
Olive: Do you think they would read it or watch T.V. I am betting it would be watching T. V.
Tilly: There is an admirable book –How to Kill Your Husband by Ronnie Whitaker. It is pithy, witty and wise – and has sensible advice on how to keep your husband alive (or not!) by looking after his diet. Also some delicious recipes. I think it is out of print now, but if you can find a secondhand copy, it’s worth the effort.
Olive: Now you have my curiosity up. Never hear do that book.
Tilly: Try Abe’s Books, Thrift Books, Amazon – might have a secondhand copy listed. Fun read.
MRS. CHARLES H. GIBSON’S
Maryland and Virginia Cook Book.
CONTAINING NUMEROUS VALUABLE RECEIPTS FOR
AID IN HOUSEKEEPING. Published 1894
“Devotional piety” goes a bit beyond my pay grade.
I have a simple recipe: mash him with affection, sprinkle some of his grouchiness with understanding – the rest of it can take some salt. A tender butt-pat does wonders.
Love your comment. Makes me wonder what other seasonings you could use besides the salt.
I do believe this recipe hit things right on the spot. I thoroughly like the process. I must say I agree that it is a two-way exercise and much more enjoyable when followed consistently. As always, you ladies’ banter shows us all how perfect life is, especially when we follow recipes. You do have that knack for finding recipes for every occasion. Now, as always, I need to work on the current recipe🤙 😄.
Just make sure you measure correctly.
Hmmmmmmmmm!!! Pondering the recipe are we…